good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
