Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
