You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
