Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
