I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize