I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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