I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
