plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I am one with the molecules
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
