Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
