I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
