Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
