Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
