If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
