3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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