call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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