I think my vagina is haunted
one might say we're banned from that church
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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