He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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