Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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