I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Someone came in the potted fern
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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