I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
