Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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