I think my fart just growled at me.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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