I wish my penis had an off switch
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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