whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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