Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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