Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
