Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize