Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
