The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
