i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
