Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
