i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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