I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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