I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
