Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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