I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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