dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize