When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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