Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
