Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
