Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize