I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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