i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
