Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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