My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
