nut hugger
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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