Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
