I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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