Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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