I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
