she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
