I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
