He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
