I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
