Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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