after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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