unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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