Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
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