i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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